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Well its finally come. The week to end all weeks is over. I write this post just now as I begin to survey the damage done to my life.
Let's start at the beginning, loosing my job at "Pure Taqueria."
It was a job I knew from the get go that I probably wasn't cut out for. A bright colorful place built on the money of rich yuppies and cheap mexican cusine. I knew it was a mistake taking this job from the get go but on one hand I desperatly needed the money and on the other hand I wanted to take a job with some sort of future. Sufficet to say I lost my job due to the fact I didn't meet the companies "concept" and was promptly let go and replaced. This was also the week of Danni's BDay and Thanksgiving. As a result I lost the house I was going to rent and became homeless. All roads in this dream led to Danielle. I knew I had to at least somehow be able to provide some sort of stability for her and I knew that didnt come from cutting my teeth till four AM in some shitty dive bars.
She broke up with me, I write this still reeling from the fact it happened. Shock, disbelief all those things I have still rattling around inside my mind. I truly do not know what I will do without her, out of the ones I loved her star shined brighther than all. I love her so much.
Its just so fucking hard laying awake at night and just wondering where she is and if shes happy without me. I think maybe deep down she is and it scares me. Some of the things she did to me toward the end just didnt make any sense, the whole Jason Dooley thing for an example a slow poison which first planted the seed of our inital break up. And to this day as I write this email I know she continues to talk to this person despite the immense personal harm it caused me. Even though our inner circle of friends seems to know this very fact I am still painted as the bad guy, always the bad guy. I cant ever do enough to show someone I love them. I could do everything right and have the same result much like my occupational situation.
I tried reaching out to my mother that really didnt yeild anything positive aside from more guilt. I remeber just wanting to feel one ounce of warmth from someone that was genuine only to have her pull away from me when I hugged her goodbye when she left. Life at least for me is all about the comfort of solitude, never letting my guard down never letting anyone in. Im just too screwed up inside to make relationships work, I just care too fucking much about the wellbeing of other people especially Danielle.
With most women you just cant ever let down that tough male front even for an instant weakness kills. Point in fact after loosing my job and going home to be comforted by the one person I thought would understand she promptly kicked me out of her house becuase "I was stressing her out". A day later upon being homeless, I was denied a place to stay. I doubt I would even turn away my worst enemy provided the sincerity of their plight.
I dont know if I can even write what I really want to write in this journal anymore without fear of being misjudged and chastised. My own journal! I thought it a good exorcise to write down all my negative feelings down as a way to almost "vent" to myself simply becuase I doubt anyone would have the fortitude to listen to me bitch this much on such a topic.
What now I do I do now? all attempts on my part for a reconcilliation have failed even in the face of being hurt by her direct actions I just keep asking myself why do I fight for someone who on numerous occasions has told me she doesnt love me, or perhaps never have. I think thats maybe true love on my part, it sure feels that way. what am I going to do?Current Mood:  melancholy |
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So Danielle and I are taking a one week break (AKA we are broken up, and just are prolonging the inevitable/ waiting for her to pass judgement over our relationship). I won't bore anyone with the particulars of this particular break up because lets face it, Im just tired of blogging about my failed relationships. Whats strange about this break up individually is that all the normal amount of sadness and loss is replaced by just melancholy. Even when it happened there were no tears really to speak of. Its the strangest thing, and I cant really explain it. Yes there was some initial bottle shock but it seems to have warn off. Im not sure if its because I've been so busy with my new job or what. Maybe Im just a biter man in general I have no idea. I feel as though Ive reached out to a lot of people for advice but it just seems more like the same old thing. After Amy and I split it I really took the time to examine what it is about me that causes this circular pattern of behavior to emerge. The two major things I've come to is;
A: If I want to break this cycle I have to stop dating people in the service industry (Bartenders, waitresses, strippers, etc you name it). As I move further and further into adulthood this stay out all night every night binge drinking thing is just played out. Spending night after endless night in dark dank bars just no longer has any real appeal to me, I left New Orleans under enormous personal strain to avoid this. I really need to learn to distance myself. I just really want a rewarding home life, a wife/ partner whom I love and god forbid a couple of kids. I feel as though I dont know my own family any more, my solution is to create one of my own I guess. Fill that void.
B: I have to stop rushing into these things so fast. My personality is one of speed and consumption I just move at a faster pace than most. Its why people cant understand why I talk or even eat so fast.
Typically girls fall so fast for me and then burn out just as fast with all the ire and bitterness of any scorned X-wife. Im just too sensitive a guy, too accommodating, and way too available. What does all this mean? Nothing other than I find myself single again at 30 mind you with a wicked gout of pattern male baldness and a gut. But I guess being that I am and always will be the consummate loner this suits me just fine. At least I have a job Im really starting to enjoy. I cant tell you guys what it feels like to have money in my pocket after nearly six months of poverty.
In case anyone close to Danielle reads this let me start by saying I think shes a really great girl. A keeper, sweet, intelligent, independent, and hard working. I just don't think we are at the same level in life in terms of life goals. And that's unfortunate because I love that girl to death even as I stand here writing this blog and I really want things to work between her and I. I really did think she would be the one I would marry, I love her family they've been nothing but charitable and warm to me (I designed and created her sister's baby shower invitations for crying out loud lol). I will miss them very much. I will dearly miss her, and again I write this as we are technically still together but much like transpired between Amy and I, I know its just more borrowed time.
Whats next for me? I really don't know... Ive got this new job, a new outlook on life and soon Ill be moving to a nice one bedroom house in a different part of town. No more car alarms, drunken gay brawls, or crack heads for me. I even have a creative hobby that I think I have a real shot and making some money off of. How cool is that?
It seems like more and more of my friends are straight up abandoning live-journal for whatever reason. But I kind of like it, even if it is for my own personal edification. This contraption and I really do have a love hate relationship. I just pour so much negativity into this thing people who dont know me must think im this crazy manic depressed loon. But hey that's fine. I just think I need to stop looking to other people to satisfy or fill any sort of void I may feel inside.Current Mood: melancholy |
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Its been a while since I've blogged an I don't really have any sort of valid excuse other than just feeling as though I've been caught in a mobius strip of sorts since February. Being that I started this journal some five years ago and its interesting to see the direction of which my life has turned. I know mark turning 30 as the definitive end of my childhood/ young adult years. I purposely took a couple days to wait and blog about it because I needed a little bit more time for perspective to take hold.
So Ill start from the beginning...
I have never really had a birthday party so-to-speak, and well dating a girl who loves to throw parties I pretty much just let her take the rains on this one. We had my party at "Noni's" on Edgewood and it was a star-studded event to say the least. Everyone I even remotely knew who lived in Atlanta was there. From old friends like Erik Nelson to new friends like Jonathon. In that regard I knew the party was a success. Danielle looked great I looked good I believe all in all everyone had a good time. I for one am not really used to so much attention being thrown my way and given my mood the last few months I was damn sure going to fake it. Danielle worked so hard trying to do something nice for me this party was just as much about her as it was about myself. That being said where I am now... the bare bones if you will. 30.
Its no secret I've been unemployed for a while now, and I recently found work. Of which I am very relived in the long term. The problems Im facing now in the short term is a serious lack of resources that threatens to tear everything down around me when I'm so close to the finish line. My lack of income has been detrimental to say the least on my relationship with Danielle I feel consumed by it as I watch her constantly have to help to cover my end of our entertainment expenses. To her this is almost the normal way of life with some of the people she has dated in the past, with me however it is not. Anyone who knows me well and for a while knows that bend over backwards and spare no expense when It comes to people I am romantically evolved with. I'm a giver by nature I'm just hoping I can push through to the other side with her where I'm actually able to put food on the table. As a man this is something that is very important to me.
In order to survive this some five months I've had to adapt. I could no longer spend money frivolously on things like expensive meals or drinks. Ive become a hermit in my home, I barely speak to my own roommate and when I do decided to step out I appear to be outwardly moody, distant, and antisocial. I feel as though the real me is still inside trapped inside a prison of responsibility and guilt. I'm just deeply depressed, I can say this with all certainty. I push away everyone while at the same time trying to pull them in. Its mind numbing. I'm just hoping with all the millions of hours of work Ill be putting in opening this restaurant will help fill that void and build some desperately needed self-assurance. If I cant pull myself out of this funk I stand to loose everything that is important to me. I'm running out of places to escape my frustration and its becoming very apparent.
Danielle.
To those of you who don't know the girl Ive been seeing since this pretty much all began is a girl named Danielle Gaines. I purposely decided not to blog about her on account of not jinxing things like I did with Amy. Danielle is great, shes loyal,loving, energetic, independent, and strong. All traits that I thought were long since gone in most contemporary girls. When we argue, we just argue there are no threats of break ups. Its actually quite refreshing, I feel bad for her however because I know she loves me but feels trapped by those feelings. I'm so damn negative all the time I know it drains her. Its stressful for her to be around me when I'm like this. I don't know what to do. That, coupled with her inability to share/ and compromise on certain key relationship issues with me is starting to become a real problem. We had another possible break up conversation last night that I'm still reeling from. I know shes not happy in the relationship and I don't know if I have the strength to fix things. I'm just running out of gas, come October I don't even know where I'm going to be living, I'm up to my eyeballs in debt. My family is in chaos. There just seems to be no end in sight. The level of stress in my life is so tangible you could cut it with a knife.
I think I really do need medication, I cannot naturally/ chemically deal with this much pressure coming at me from all sides. Like I said I need to dig deeper than I have before deeper than when I went through this in New Orleans and rid myself of these feelings once and for all. I need to get from underneath this dark cloud of misfortune and become the man that I know I'm supposed to become. What keeps me going is the simple credo "Its always darkest before the dawn." If there is indeed a god above I pray this is true.
Id like to leave things on a good note after having sorted out so much negativity that just needed to be expressed and say that I am very grateful to all the people that helped me get this far in my life and you will not be forgotten. Anyone can tell you that when things with myself are on the upswing im the first person to reward those I knew stood by me. Now that I'm in the middle of this thing (my life at age 30) lets see if I can put what Ive learned from these trials to the test and not repeat the mistakes of my youth. Anyway to all those who still read and contribute to my blog thanks for reading and I apologize for so much self exposition! ha I guess some things will never change after all.Current Mood:  pensive Current Music: Jesper Kyd - (assortment of Orchestral scores) |
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So I got a new job! I'm pretty psych'd although its pretty much the same pay structure as dark horse except I have paid out benefits and a quarterly bonus! I start training at the end of the month. Incidentally enough the new restaurant is in the old "Grape" site in Inman park. Oddly enough "Usher" is our landlord... weird. Anyway Im trading no more 3:30am late night for a 8/ 11 max get out schedule. The place is really fast paced restaurant. It will be more of a restaurant environment than I'm used to but we'll see. I think the best part is i get to stay/ live/ and work in the neighborhood. So I guess turning 30 after all wont be so bad... Im making some headway on those life goals. Anyway I just wanted a short update if you guys want to check out the site of the place ill be working its called "Pure Taqueria" google it.
P.S. Rest in Peace Les PaulCurrent Mood:  chipper Current Music: Fugazi - In on the Kill Taker |
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Bouncy
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Jun. 23rd, 2009 @ 03:19 am
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So Im moonlighting as a bouncer... is anyone surprised? in order to make bills in this strange and agonizingly long period of unemployment I took a gig as a high profile Bouncer in this rediculous over the top Atlanta nightclub tentativly called "Opera". When Im not choking out vietnamese gangsters Im sweating my ass off in a suit and tie. Im not going to go into how rediculous this all seems im just going to focus on the fact that its work. And lets face it gainful employment always seems to be just outside my reach. On a positive note that I think I may have indeed found work in this new bistro opening up on the west side of town lets keep our fingers crossed.
On the female front me and Danielle are still going strong despite a few set backs. I would rather not go into details but a few things need to come back into balance in order for me to be truly happy/ shrug. Other wise im still scraping and surviving. over n' out. brief I know but for some reason I just lost the interest in finishing this post. |
| » Monster Bash and all points north |
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Whats up gang its been a while since Ive posted anything so here goes, I lost my appeal for my unemployment so I get to repay some 3,300 dollars back to the state... long story I really dont have the energy to recant it. Things between Danielle and I just keep getting better shes really is a great girl Im at a loss someone like that could actually deal with my bullshit for this long. Its not like like girlfriends of recent note where I just kind of new from the beginning that things were doomed to fail I actually feel as though this time Ive come across someone of real substance. Shes already met my family and she has in the short time we've been together Ive met most of hers.
We had a really great day yesterday at monster bash we drank all over the city it was great man its just so much information lol just more drunken rampage! I ran into Amy at the U-joint that was a bit awkward but I think it worked out OK. She still hates my guts which is unfortunate but there really isn't anything I can do to repair our relationship. She made her intentions quite clear when last we spoke. Anyway good things. Every keep there fingers crossed with this whole opera thing I really need to find work and soon!
Jun. 9th, 2009 @ 12:56 am
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| » I wish they all could be south florida girls -- sorta |
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Well I guess its time to update I suppose there are a good deal of recent developments that probably need sharing. I guess first things first, Danielle and I are going strong shes great. I mean it shes fantastic I have no complaints doubts or really anything bad to say about her at all which is strange for me. We like all the same stuff (aside from music because lets face it florida harcore blows) same taste in furniture, people, work. Shes just great, shes just out going enough to be interesting but not enough to be annoying. She doesn't really have any shady past issues which always seems to get in the way with girls and she adores me. I have a hard time expressing to her how I feel but she knows. Things between my X and I are strange for reasons I do not neccisarily want to go into in LJ land. I saw her for the first time the other day and it was under strange circumstances. Its something Im not really sure I know how to address. Maybe its something as yet unresolved I dont know but it creeps into my head more often than Id like to admit.
The RA thing fell apart on me at the zero hour, after all that waiting and negotiating those fucking people screwed me over. Im not all that surprised just angry being that I turned down two job offers for that fucking place. Either way I got a pretty good lead on a solid bartending gig in mid-town by the same people who own the highland pub I have to meet with those people next week. I always said I didnt want to go back to bartending but fuck it man I need money and its a small bar with all regulars and no mangers breathing down your neck I like that kinda set up. It reminds me of how brothers was back in the day. So wish me luck on that regard.
Ian Powell was in town this weekend for the mastodon show at center stage I hadnt seen that kid in a while and it was really nice to hang with him. A whole buncha tally peeps up here in atlanta tearing it up. It was fun reminded me of the old beta bar days. So in the end no big revelations I just thought I might place a small update marker. For some reason I feel like I should be writting more but I just cant find the energy. Ill just leave it at that!
May. 16th, 2009 @ 03:07 am
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| » The Local Anaesthetic |
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Danielle is amazing, I am at a loss for words. Shes like this bizarre version of me its scary. I dont know if thats a good thing or bad thing but its just crazy. We have a hard time talking via txts because we finish what the other person is going to say its truly eerie. I feel this strange sense of peace around her I cant quite explain either. I just think shes the bees kee's and I hope it doesnt ever change. In any event I thought it important to write this down before the moment was lost.
Apr. 28th, 2009 @ 01:08 pm
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| » 0 to 100 |
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Recent developments! So things are slowly starting to come together for me! I was justifiably awarded my undue unemployment lick my balls darkhorse tavern! It was just so nice to read that judgement letter in my favor after I know they tried to block my benefits fuck you.
Im pretty sure I passed my background check with RA sushi so in a few short weeks Ill be flying out to Arizona to train. I cannot wait, Im not excited about going out there for six weeks but fuck it it will be a nice vacation from this place.
Danielle and I finally hooked up, which was nice, its strange how that whole thing played out. She blew me off the first time we met at the Clairmont because she thought Shannon(my roomate was my girlfriend?!but I knew if I kept going into the Local she come around lol. Im not going to beat around the bush, Danielle has huge jugs and they are amazing. There I said it, I'm sorry people its like going to new york and not seeing the statue of liberty, or its like seeing the statue of liberty but topless. It might get a little hinky because shes going to be Jen's new roommate but to be honest if it wasn't for me they wouldn't have even met. She just seems so normal, compared to people I have dated in the past. She's really great though and although I give her a lot of crap I do enjoy spending time with her. This shit with my X has just had a hold over me for so long, that and I have to hear shes fucked people in the pub parking lot from mutial friends its like dear god I don't think I ever really knew that girl or why she did half the things she did I should have broken up with her early on and trusted my instincts. It still stings a bit to hear stuff like that but its none of my business now.
So anywhoo things are finally looking up, I got the girl, the cash, the sweet new job with pay raise, and great new friends! Lets just see how long I can make this shit last this time. ha no jinkes please!
Apr. 21st, 2009 @ 04:08 pm
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| » Great ride too much upkeep. |
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So I decided to break up with Mercedes the other day I just didn't see things going anywhere I had been almost a month and I couldn't understand why I was still with her. She tried to play it off as though it what she had wanted all along but I know better. Its all good shes a big girl besides I have larger fish to fry. I finally started hanging out with Danielle and not only that I got the scoop on why she ditched out on me way back when I first met her at the Clairmont. She thought Shannon (my roomate) and I were dating WTF!!! man this a rough ninja cockblock I didnt even see until she told me last night crazy! In any news I gots me a JOB woot (background check pending) Im pretty sure all those bodies in my closet have fully dissolved by now. Any way I guess continue to wish me luck yall Im almost out of the woods! The one sucky thing is I have to travel to arizona for like six freaken weeks to train UGH!!! I hope its worth it!
Apr. 15th, 2009 @ 10:04 am
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| » Easter '09: Altered beast says RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE! |
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So first on the discussion block today is the following message I got from Alicia last night;
"I know you don't ever want to talk to me again, but I think about you from time to time and hope you are doing well. I finally figured my shit out. I wasn't meant for new orleans. I moved back home with my mom. Am taking care of my little sister, Working a regular job and going to school. I have grown up alot and am back to my old self. It'd be nice to be in touch like old times. I miss you. Thankyou for everything you've done for me. I'm sorry I was too young and nieve to appreciate our friendship and appreciate having you in my life. I love you. You'll
always be my favorite bald man."
To those of you who do not know who this person is please refer back to my earlier LJ posts about some of the more troubling times spent in New Orleans. But for those of you too lazy to do that Ill surmise by saying that she was a good friend that I helped take care of and eventually had move to be with me in New Orleans. Long story short she pretty much had a large part in causing me untold misery from my El Camino getting destroyed to causing major bouts of depression and self doubt.
Now I havn't spoken to her in over a year and a half, I straight up ignored her. The girl owes me a ton of money to boot ugh I could go on and on. The thing is when I receive emails like this it sends me into a guilt spiral. Man emotions are a bitch. I think Im going to mull this one over for a couple days, I mean heck I even started talking to Courtney and I never thought id do that again.
Anywho Im going over to Mercedes folks place in bufford to eat some easter dinner. Now when this idea was first presented to me I didnt take it as strange and now I kind of do. But its too late to act like and ass now and despite everything else she is a fantastic cook and I do need a break from my Totino's food rations. Again merry Easter yall, if yall see JC cruising through the sky hollah.
Apr. 12th, 2009 @ 12:14 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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ah man im such a screw up.
Apr. 6th, 2009 @ 12:50 am
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| » So much food for fucking crows |
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So its down to the wire do I either start bartending at my favorite neighborhood and ride this punk rock thing out for a couple more years or do I take the responsible career building path and work in this upscale lounge managing the place? I gotta make up my mind soon times a wasting!
Been dying to go out drinking im so tired of sitting around my house it hurts! Its Jen's birthday this weekend I think everyone is going out to Athens I would go but I know I would just blow through a buncha money.
I may have to end up going back home to Louisiana my mother called me the other day and told me my grandfather is pretty much on his last legs. I probably should be more upset by that, but to be honest, the man is just on his way out. plain and simple. Hes old, they keep him all doped up most of the time hes just straight up incoherent I feel as though the best parts of my grandfather are long since dead. For the last few years his life has been governed by the cluster fuck of neurotic females which is my mother and subsequent aunts. As more and more of my family drift off I cant help but feel more alone in this world as I have less and less blood attachments. Most of my past from high school and beyond is becoming more and more of a blur. I dunno blah
Mercedes is coming over this Sunday to cook me diner. That should be interesting being that every time I talk to this girl shes whipping up some crazy gourmet food at her house. You should see how this girl eats its fucking ridiculous. She's as big around as my pinky and in shape but she tears down burgers covered with ranch and cheese etc like a half starved timber wolf. I think one of the things I do like about her is shes just this weird little dark chick and I dig on that. I dig on loners man.
Beyond that its business as usual, Ian should be going back to Athens next week to work on "Of Montreal" junk. Which will leave me all alone with the girls heh, dont get me wrong I love everyone hangen out but it cramps a brothers style when it comes to bringing "guests" home. Blah nuff for now.
Apr. 3rd, 2009 @ 02:40 am
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| » Luxury Automobiles |
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So I've been dating this girl for a couple weeks now in an attempt to and I quote; "Get over someone by getting under them" and again this is someone I probably should be more attracted to other than by mere physicality. I met her at the club house (El Myr) we bonded over a burrito and our mutual joblessness. We both worked in strip clubs another interesting tidbit. She fits the bill, slender dark hair and a propensity for Jameson that I do adore. That and she loves Ministry. All winners in my book, I just don't know if this is indeed is a step in the right direction for me she just seems to want more than I'm willing to give and while I do enjoy spending time with her I just don't think we have enough in common for me to keep it going. Usually I don't write about girls that I have a casual relationship with but its still interesting given my recent romantic history. It just reminds me of the old days. Of course I feel strangely compelled to write this as shes asleep in my bed, I guess I just like to live dangerously.
On the western front I finally got around to writing Courtney, I guess this whole debacle with Amy shook me up pretty good. Two years ago even the very thought of communicating with her would send shivers down my spine. She pretty much is the gold standard that I compare all girlfriends to. I think I just found her too early in life and was not mature/ experienced enough to handle a relationship of that magnitude. Her reply email was quite pleasant it spoke about her life in Jacksonville how she oddly enough is an accountant for an investment firm and how she owns a house and just sits around playing video games and spending time with a signifigant other that in her words "probably plans to marry." Basically the life that I wanted with her too early on. Its like that final nail in the coffin that pretty much solidifies how ironic and rediculous my life is. She actually wrote me back today wanting to know how I was, I havnt responded yet to be honest I dont know quite what to say. Some I always thought we be reunited some day, even though its a stupid concept I cant help but believe in true love and with that destiny. I guess knowing shes getting married really ads the closure that I need in our wayward relationship. I mean it has been almost five years since we split and we havnt kept in touch at all. Im such a different person now, and Im sure she is as well. Blah I could write about this all night, I think im just using this post as a sounding board for all the things bouncing around in my mind. I really should be focusing at whats going on currently in my life which is nothing. I really need to get some footing and soon.
Quicksand is the only word that comes to mind when I think about my current state of affairs. I had such a strong start now it just feels like Im really starting to lag behind my friends in getting a head in this game called life. I just hope everything happens for a reason. Its been a weird ride, I just dont know which direction things are going to go next.
Mar. 31st, 2009 @ 12:38 am
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| » My bodies broken, yours is spent |
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Had an interesting St. Patricks Day to say the least. I rolled out with Jen to talk to Rebecca at the flatiron, that turned into this ridiculous scenario of Jen and I pounding down a buncha 3 dollar pitchers of PBR. All my friends promptly began to spread out all over the city blowing up my phone to come to where they where blah blah. Finally Mercedes got around to calling me and we cruised out to El Myr for a whole lot of beers and shots. Bumped into Alicia and billy for a good time. Man we got trashed, Mercedes offered to pay my way that night at the clairmont and surprizingly enough it was Karaoke night the place was packed with a whose who of punk rock kids and degenerates. Being that Mercedes has a background in this field she quickly ferrets out her friends. Again more drinks I was beginning to feel bad for Jen cause she actually had to get up and go to work the next day. That fucking kid Rockney or whatever his name is kept bothering us dude seriously I want to punch that kid in the face he just gets under my skin. Anyway we all get back to my place some how and crash the fuck out. I awake the next day to read some of the most crazy txt messages. Since then ive been lying low a bit, been spending a lot of money thats a no no.
I had an interview with the Fox Theatre the other day, turned me down for a part time bartending gig. Why? overqualified that blows! I have some other leads I'm going to run down next week, Mercedes keeps me in the loop about that crap shes out job hunting. Funds at 50% of full power, I need to go file for some unemployment but damn shit is complicated. At least Lyndsay finally got a good gig. She works at "Eros" what used to be the old pie bar or whatever thats a good spot for her. I went in there the other day to hang out with her I felt like a fucking alien in that place oh well. Things at the house I guess were beginning to get a little strained with all the people living here but that will soon change. To be honest I dont mind the company it reminds me of the old days. Anywho off to lafonda
Mar. 20th, 2009 @ 11:57 am
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| » Get off my board man! |
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**09 Live Journal Disclaimer #6**
About once a year I have to pretty much put a disclaimer out there about my live-journal. That disclaimer being the point of its use and the reasons I deem to keep the majority of it public and not private.
Many of my friends on LJ are old friends. I might add a friend to my friends list maybe a three or four times a year once Im certain of their motives as it pertains to my life at large. Many of them are old college friends or just Tally peeps Ive known since I was a wee lad. Basically a majority of people who've been there through thick and thin. The good times and the bad times. This allows me a certain amount of freedom when it comes to writing posts and just basically pouring my guts out. I find the whole process quite therapeutic. If you where to not know me at all and come on this thing and read my live journal you would probably think I was some kinda manic depressive nut job who basically sucks at life. Well you'd be partially correct, the thing is however I choose to hide this rather dark side of my personality and just and try to confine myself to the best of my abilities to vent all my negative baggage on this thing. Every now and again my friends will chime in or offer advise which is awesome. It helps me keep going and just not give in to my own crazy overdriven neurotic mind. I even keep a link to my LJ on my myspace for the curious at heart to come and view. Now that link on my myspace is not labled something blarring like "ERICS SUPER PERSONAL JOURNAL" its just cleverly titled something snide like click here to see how much awesome'er than you. Something like that, most people Id assume would think the link would be to something asinine like "Two-Girls one cup".
This is what brings me to what this journal is NOT for. This is my fucking journal and I will write whatever the goddamn hell I want to in here. If your someone who is gonna ghost my shit and not contribute or comment on my life whose not a part of my list of friends I really don't want you looking at this journal. And I especially do not want you to QUOTE, read-back, or use it in any way in any time of argument/ discussion. What I write here are really some of my inner most thoughts. Its not my job to interperate to other people what these words mean. To be honest this journal only really makes sense to me, bad grammar and all. I can see how someone who is upset can look at my journal and read way too much into something. But honestly if that person had genuine questions as to my thoughts they should write an email or simply pick up the fucking phone. I guarantee if your looking for something to get upset about and you think youve made a deep enough impact on my life where I might write about you then you'll find it here. If you want to respect my privacy in regards to you then dont come here its not like I advertise. I dont keep any other journals this is the largest collection of my thoughts ever complied in one place going back something like five years. One day I hope to look back at all this garbage and laugh with the simple satisfaction that I overcame such hurdles early in my life so that I might appreciate further what Ive hope to gained in the future. I dont want to forget any of this least of all censure myself! If so what the fuck is the point of this thing. So again if ive offended anyone i deeply apologize this post is not directed any anyone specific its just a general warning I feel compelled to tender if someone ever hopes to throw any of this in my face at a later date.
The last six years of my life have been the darkest to date with no fucking end in sight. Yet I press on with what I have which isn't much. I just keep plunking along hoping to find some small measure of mental peace and happiness that other people seem to take for granted everyday.
Mar. 17th, 2009 @ 01:17 pm
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| » Out of the Pan... |
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Well I got fired from my job last sunday, and pretty much without merit. Most people familiar with the situation can tell you that my boss was a complete asshole and pretty much just left me holding the bag for the last six months. That fucking resentment just builds and builds up inside of me until I cannot take it anymore. On one hand its a resounding relief because I was beginning to develop severe anxiety problems from working for that man. He blows through so many managers because hes just so impossible to work for. I experienced the same level of treatment when I was working at brothers, big gay bosses with cocaine problems that result in some of the most inconsistant and unreliable work ethics youve ever seen. But in the end I was not meant for that place and I was just fooling myself that things were ever going to get better. In the mean time I have a lot of leads its just things makes me so nervous in this economy your fighting over such scraps for jobs, and places like craigslist are not exactly the best place to go when trying to find and job since every moron with internet access are cruising for the same jobs you are.
Ive had a few interviews in the interum and I shouldnt be worrying as much as I am, but for someone who was working between 55 and 60 hours a week to not for almost seven days is a little daunting. I had an interview with Trapeze of Atlanta, a good interview in fact. It your not familiar with the company its Atlanta Premiere Swingers club. Now I definatly do not want to work in that industry again but I know it would pay great! ugh, such is my life I need to keep looking.
On the female front, things between my X and I are strange Im not sure how I feel about her anymore and I do not really even think she has any real sort of consideration for me at all any more even as friends. Some of the things she chooses to share with me now that we have broken up I find strange and hard to interperit. The more I learn the more it feels like our relationship was more of a rebound situation for her. As hard as it is for me to admit, I think the whole thing was doomed from the start. I think I just embodied a lot of the qualities a lot of people she had been dating/ or tried to date lacked. And lets be frank Im a sensitive and adaptive dude with the people I care about and that only gains me so much ground before the bottom falls out like most of my serious relationships. I really care about her. I miss us being together. Although we've been broken up for about a month I cant help feel that there is some part of her that misses me as well. I'm almost positive shes slept with someone else given the time spent apart. Its just her nature. It really doesn't bother me as much as it should. Maybe that represents progress on my part im not sure. What I am sure of though is I feel that there is yet something to be played out between the two of us for better or for worse. Its just a feeling I cant quite shake, I guess in the meantime Ill just continue to move along the path ive been given. I do miss her though, and I know she misses me, thats enough to keep me for now.
So yeah ive hit another pretty rocky period of my life, maybe its my destiny to continually start over from scratch. That includes relationships and jobs. I just dont want to be a burden on anyone and I will continue to try to move forward. Ive learned so much in the last nine months im just waiting for the appropriate oppertunity to present itself to apply said knowledge. In the mean time everyone just wish me luck, all the good Karma ive stockpiled over the years helping and defending people in need I believe will come back to me. Ive just got to keep pushing forward. Believe it or not I actually feel OK.
Mar. 7th, 2009 @ 12:50 pm
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| » When new creatures rape your face hybrids open up the door! |
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Well after being officially single for about two weeks, its not so bad. I mean its always hard loosing someone but I mean if you care about something you set it free etc etc etc... In the mean time I have my hands full in both the personal and business sections of my life. My boss apologized for acting like a douche and actually thanked me for all my hard work and promised to ease up on my schedule next month which rocks. He pretty much coped to fucking with me and I know it directly attributed to adding stress to my last relationship.
Good news is that large Tax return is but days away and Im going to party Eric style! Like the in the style of the good old bad days god knows I need it. I need to snap out of this rut, I let myself get all weak and emotional that's not the man that I am. Colors seem brighter things seem to slowly be returning to normal. Shannon gets back soon I cant wait! Ian will be here as well as Jen Hicks!
man I really wish I could go to that combichrist show, someone had invited me out shrug. Anyway wish me and my bow-tie luck tonight!
Feb. 14th, 2009 @ 05:35 pm
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| » Hes Clean! |
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Lyndsay and I went out Apres Diem last night for a half price bottle of wine Mondays! I got hammered on some pinot noir and some brie. We talked for hours about all kinds of stuff it was really nice to reconnect with someone after not seeing them in a long while. I always have to give lyndsay crap for what she wears lol, some of the finest ho-gear around! I think she just likes the attention from men. After we got good and drunk we decided to cruise out to Metalsome back at the DHorse where I promptly got up and belted out some Ronnie James Dio! I know Lyndsay of course chickened out! I had a great time! After we cruised out to Buddies and picked up a bottle of wine. Man I was piss ass drunk, too many shots!
I think I'm coming down with a cold or something I feel all congested. I told Samantha that I would meet her up for some lunch since we kept playing phone tag all yesterday.
Feb. 10th, 2009 @ 12:30 pm
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| » Writer's Block: Peevish |
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Being disrespected by people who aren't my friends.
Jan. 27th, 2009 @ 12:20 pm
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